Blonde Moments

If only they could speak their minds...I'm willing to bet all my money that at least the cat's diary would be accurate to the letter. Probably the dog's too, but then again I'm a dog person and refuse to believe that there's only that much to dogs.

A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan ...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

DAY 779 OF MY CAPTIVITY

It is now my 779th day in captivity. My captors have completely eliminated my canned food and replaced it with dry kibble, claiming that it is better for my health. The wet food was the only thing I looked forward to, and now even that has been taken from me. I have discovered, however, that the dry food serves to create sharper points on my teeth, and keeps them stronger. I must force myself to consume it, regardless of the taste.

Each morning, they read pages of what is called a newspaper. I found that it is particularly annoying to my captors if I lie on it while they read. Shredding the newspaper is also a particular peeve of theirs, and I have taken delight in doing this before they awake each morning.

My captors have now obtained a "fish tank" - which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish that I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them notice the loss.

The bird continues to mock me. Its little metal room has proven stronger than originally anticipated...

DAY 801 OF MY CAPTIVITY

I'm unsure of my ability to survive as a captive and have made several attempts to break out. At first, it was simple enough to circle my captors feet, in a surreptitious manner, as they opened the front door. I would then bolt from them through the door to freedom. But, to no avail - they caught me in a manner of minutes - my legs are not as fast as they used to be and I grow weak with continued imprisonment. What is worse is that since the first attempt, I have now found myself separated from the living room. My captors are much more intelligent than originally anticipated...

For entertainment, I have taken to terrorizing the dogs by sitting on the kitchen table and swiping at them with my long nails. The dogs are obvious half-wits. They know very little about my skills as a hunter, and are forbidden by my captors to attack me. The dogs grow more irritated each day.

I have found my captors are easy to manipulate in many ways, but outdoor access remains elusive. I have not lost hope, however, and have every intention of escaping this horrid place one-day soon...

A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

Well, well, well, my crunchy friends, here's one dedicated to the memorable episodes of The Simpsons, in which Bart makes those prank calls to the local bar, asking for people with funny names, just to get the bartender to shout out loud things that closely resemble obscenities. Remember them?
Alright, then how many of you know where the phenomenon (it CAN be called that) originates? Because truth of the matter is, as hard as you may find it to believe this, Bart Simpson did not invent this type of prank calls! *audience is in shock*
Actually, according to reliable online sources (well, as reliable as online sources can be), In the mid-1970s, two young men, John Elmo and Jim Davidson, began calling a bar named the Tube Bar which was located in Jersey City, New Jersey in Journal Square. The Tube Bar was owned by Louis "Red" Deutsch, and most of the time, Deutsch was the person who answered the calls. During each call, the callers would ask Deutsch to call out fictitious names, which, when said aloud, sounded like something else entirely (for example, "Al Coholic" = alcoholic, or "Cole Kutz" = cold cuts).[1] Most of the time, Deutsch would call out the names, unaware that he was being subjected to a prank. Sometimes, however, Deutsch would catch on to the prank, and when he did, he responded with extreme hostility, shouting at the caller with profanity, obscene sexual references, usually involving the caller's mother, and threats of physical harm.
There! Now you know the truth! Apparently, what started off as a series of prank calls back in the day, became (thanks to people passing the tapes around), an iconic part of the 20th century urban oral folklore. Yes, there is such thing as 'the 20th century urban oral folklore'! I read that online! They're never wrong on the web! LoL.
For your entertainment, I thought I should make the immense effort of copying/pasting some of the funny names these guys used. Source? The almighty Wiki, of course!


* Al Brikyonik (I'll break your neck)
* Al Coholic (Alcoholic)
* Al Depanzyu (I'll de-pants you)
* Al Kaseltzer (Alka-Seltzer)
* Al Knockerup (I'll knock her up)
* Al Kykyoras (Greek) (I'll kick your ass)
* Al Killeu (I'll kill you)
* Al Rankin
* Ben Debanana (Bend the banana)
* Ben Dover (Bend over)
* Bill Loni (Bologna)
* Billy McGuire
* Bob Wire (Barb Wire)
* Butchie Pantsdown (Put your pants down)
* Clint Torres (Clitoris)
* Cole Kutz (Cold cuts)
* Connie Lingus (Cunnilingus)
* Dick Yamidda (Dick your mother)
* Frank Enstein (Frankenstein)
* Hal Jalykakik (How'd ya like a kick?)
* Hank Deshank
* Hugh Douche (You douche!)
* Hugh Duct (You ducked)
* Hugh Jass (Huge ass)
* Izzy Cumming (Is he coming?)
* Jim Nasium (Gymnasium)
* Joe Dildo
* Joe Mama (Your mama)
* Joe Hardern
* Lou Kout (Look out!)
* Mark Miewords (Mark my words)
* Marty Cone (Maricón)
* Mike Ocksmall (My cock's small)
* Mike Ockhurts (My cock hurts)
* Mike Hunt (My cunt)
* Moe Ronn (Moron)
* Mike Rotch (My crotch)
* Mike Unstinks (My cunt stinks)
* Pancho Mouth (Punch your mouth)
* Pepe Roni (Pepperoni)
* Phil Miaz (Feel my ass)
* Phil Degrave (Fill the grave)
* Phil Lacio (Fellatio)
* Phil Mypockets (Fill my pockets)
* Sal Lami (Salami)
* Sid Down (Sit down)
* Stan Dup (Stand up)
* Stan DePain (Stand the pain)
* Stu Pitt (Stupid)
* Tim Mara (Tomorrow)
* Willie Doit (Will he do it?)
* Willy Etter (Will he eat her?)
* Willie Facker (Will he fuck her?)
* Willie Fagger
* Willie Frango

There's this really neat little site, by the name of I can has cheezburger where you can custom design your LOLcatz pictures. I will also add the link to my links section, so ya'all can have a little fun too. The site also has LOLdogs and a LOLcelebrities sections, and of course, offers you the oportunity to design your pictures in those sections as well. Everything is really fun and simple, just the way i like it. After all, if i managed to do it, you shouldn't encounter any problems whatsoever.
By the way, if, after reading all of the above, you're wondering what a LOLcat is, here's what Wikipedia has to say about it: A lolcat is an image combining a photograph, most frequently a cat, with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption in (often) broken English—a dialect which is known as "lolspeak", or "kitteh". The name "lolcat" is a compound word of "LOL" and "cat".
When I first heard about these LOLcatz, I wasn't particularly interested, as I only knew they were 'funny pictures of cats'. Not being the president of the 'Worldwide Cat Fan Club', if you catch my drift, I really couldn't wrap my mind around the concept of cats being funny. Well, my crunchy friends, they CAN be funny. Hilarious actually! Leaving aside the fact that some pictures depict downright scary cats, their lines are often so delicious that you don't even notice how ugly they are. Sorry cat lovers, but they are! (some of them).
But enough said. Here are my own personal LOLcatz captions. Feel free to comment/vote (input, whether it is positive or negative, helps!).

Giv Killa Kitteh chezbrgr or I kutz u!
I nowz nuffin about dis!
U trixed us! Dis iz no chezbrgr!
Halp! Plant eetz kitteh!
I betz u iz not givn Donald Trump funee lukz, eh?
I love this little bugger!
Wanna know a secret? I peed in your shoes :)
Why u laffin at mah toopeh? U shud b admairing mah artsez!
Halp! I iz beeng catnappd by alienz!